Locals = Fat, but Trendy

noticed today on my way to work that there were several very large women looking frumpy, and that each of them had a nice, new, large Coach bag. I believe just as much as anyone else that accessories can make the outfit, but if you are >250 lbs, your outfit will always look will like shit, no matter what accessories you don. So what is the point of spending $600 on a Coach bag? News flash: your bag isn’t even big enough to hide inside! People won’t even notice your accessories behind all that flab, frumpiness, and sweater set from Talbots.

My recommendation is to return the Coach bag, get your $600 back, and spend it on a gym membership and personal trainer – or at least a subscription to Women’s Health magazine. In one years time you could go from flab to fab! The bonus? You’ll look good in anything you wear, even if it’s from Target. Then, and only then, should you spend money on accessories – when they can actually compliment the tredy outfit, not BE the trendy outfit.

Locals Sport the Ultimate Fanny Pack!

I mentioned before that people around here don’t do any sports until they’ve invested tons of money in gear and clothing. I guess that’s tough if all you do is walk… but this lady found a way with the Ultimate Fanny Pack! It’s got double water-bottle pouches conveniently aimed at an angle so that you can grab and go without ever slowing down. It’s the ultimate gear for the ultimate speed walker! Get yours today.

Crazy Locals

Ahhh springtime. I think this guy is confused as to whether he’s roller blading or practicing gymnastics.

Entitlement Issues on the Bike Trail

Scene: Two 13-14 year-old girls are riding bikes on the trail. Angry Asian Tour-du-France dressed biker (complete with clip-in shoes, sponsorship shirt, and matching helmet) is racing the other direction, even though there are approximately 20 walkers, 6 bikers, and 3 dogs every 10 feet. In fact, he’s going so fast that the one girl doesn’t even see him coming, then can’t move over because her friend is in the way. She yells at her friend to get out of the way.

Angry Asian Tour-du-France dressed biker: “BITCH!!!!!” (yes, he called a 13-yr-old a bitch) “I’m gonna get you you little bitch!”
Swear to God, he screeches to a halt, turns his bike, and races back screaming at the girls, waving his hands, and pointing.
Then he RUNS BOTH OF THEM OFF THE TRAIL! He literally ran into them with his bike and knocks one into the other. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.
Girl 1: “I wasn’t yelling at you, I was yelling at her.
Girl 2: “You ripped my shoe”
Angry Asian Tour-du-France dressed biker: “Stay out of my lane! You stay to the right, not in my lane!”
Us: “Dude, that’s enough. They’re just kids.”
Angry Asian Tour-du-France dressed biker: [to us] “You betta watch you mouth”
Us: “Or what?” [What we should have said "Or what? Are you gonna try to bully us off the trail like you did to the little girls? Does that make you feel like a man? That would be a great story to tell the cops when they get here." or likewise "You just called a 13-yr-old girl a bitch, and you're telling me to watch my mouth?"]
Angry Asian Tour-du-France dressed biker: “Dey need to learn!”
Me: “You need to learn to share the path. It’s the law.”
My friend: “And you need to learn how to deal with kids.”
[What we should have said "And you need to learn not to be an entitlement-driven asshole, asshole."]

Kids don’t get out and play enough as it is. No wonder the kids around here never play outside if they are constantly dealing with these assholes.

White Collar Entitlement at the Chinese New Year Parade

Overheard at the Chinese New Year Parade
Chinatown, DC
Sunday Feb 1, 2009

Small kids trying to get to the front to see the parade: “Excuse me”
Obnoxious self-important local mother: “Not if you’re gonna get in front of MY kids. No way!”

Tour du France: Inauguration Edition

You know these guys are locals – no tourist would go out in public with these outfits! (Nor would they venture to navigate the city on a bike in 25 degree weather)

Stuff Washingtonians Like – Pictures with Political Figures

I actually had a coworker tell me that she and her husband went to the Vice President’s Christmas Party. Whoa, that’s a big deal, right? Then she tells me that she went solely for the purpose of getting a picture with him. I thought this was odd… if I were invited to a party with the VP, wouldn’t I want to chit chat and mingle? See and be seen? She explained that the “party” basically consisted of a long line that you join to wait your turn to take a picture with the VP – who is there for about 1 hour. It’s like sitting on Santa’s lap at the mall, but for adults. That does not sound like a fun party to me – not for Dick nor for the guests. Maybe I don’t fit in here afterall. (Shocking)

Stuff Washingtonians Like – McMansions

Sure, the cost almost a million dollars when purchased, have depreciated to 40% their purchase price, are 1.5 hours from downtown work locations, are approximately 3 feet from the next-door neighbor, and are built in the middle of formerly vacant farmland or forests. But hey, this is America, and we love our McMansions.

Things Washingtonians Like – Valet Parking – Even for Bicycles!

Washingtonian cyclists are hard core. (I have a few photos in the backlog to demonstrate this fact, and will post them this week.) However, since Washingtonians also spend so much money on their sporting gear as we previously reported on this blog, they don’t like to leave their bikes just anywhere. Definitely not at the Metro with all the old and used-looking bikes, and they couldn’t even consider just tying it to a tree. What if theives cut down the tree? There is a solution – the Washingtin Area Bicyclist Association is offering VALET PARKING for your bike. What they will not help you do is 1. store your little clip-in bike shoes when you change into walking shoes; 2. provide you with a shower; or 3. give velcro valet claim tickets as may be appropriate to attach to your bike tights. They will also not provide you with actual pants to cover up the bike tights, so please bring some! I don’t want to look at your bike booty or brush up against you in the inaugural crowds… ewww.

Entitlement / Obnoxious locals

I went skiing this weekend along with every McMansion-dwelling elite Washingtonian who wasn’t at the country club this weekend. Towards the end of the day I took a break to sit inside and drink coffee while my friends continued down the slopes. This break turned into the end of my snowboarding because I realized how tired I was and didn’t want to go wait in those long lift lines anymore. Anyway, the point is that I was in the lodge for about an hour and a half drinking coffee and reading the paper at a chair in the corner. Next to me was one of those comfy armchairs, and during my stay approximately three people took turns sitting there. One lady was sitting there when another woman approached, and said one of the rudest, entitlemnet-driven things I’ve possibly ever heard. She said “That’s my seat, and my kids can only find me if I sit there, so do you mind giving it back?” WOW. Last time I checked, this was a first-come-first-serve seating area, and I’d been there for 1.5 hours, never once seeing this woman sitting in this chair. Her name was not on it, nor was any of her stuff. AND there were four chairs at my table that she could have sat in that were approximately 2 feet from the armchair. I thought, are her kids really so dumb that they couldn’t find her within the 20′x20′ room anywhere but that particular chair? She is lucky I wasn’t sitting there, because I thought of several things to say to her. I really have to give the lady credit who was sitting there – she gave a slightly dirty look, shook her head as if to say “biotch” but actually gave up the seat! As if that wasn’t bad enough, the rude woman then puts her coat and bag on the chair AND LEAVES! She was gone about 10 minutes. She seriously kicked someone out of a seat so that she could put her crap there and go to the bathroom. I sat in my seat just to see if she’d try to kick me out once her “kids” arrived. Her “kids” apparently consisted of a husband and one boy about 15 yeard old. Unbelievable.